If You Only Want the Sex then DON’T Get Married

Posted on Posted in Campus Life, Christ, Culture


Our last of the 5 SEX LIES is here: Marriage = GREAT SEX!

No, this isn’t a post from some grumpy old married guy who hasn’t been “gettin’ any.” To the contrary, marriage has brought the most profound meaning, joy, richness and passion to my life.

And, yes, the sex is beyond what I could have imagined, but that’s largely because marital sex hasn’t turned out to be anything like what I imaginedor should I say fantasized about prior to marriage. And if you have the guts to ask any couple you know, who’s actually enjoyed 20+ years of marriage, you’d find out their sex life isn’t anything like they imagined either (if they have the guts to tell you).

So why am I calling “Marriage = GREAT SEX!” the 5th sex lie? Because of these three simple truths:

Marriage isn’t about sex.

Sex is about marriage.

Marriage is about relationship.

Unless you understand those three short little sentences, your future marriage will wind up becoming an enormous disappointment. So ponder them. Commit them to memory. Share them with family, friends, even strangers.

To quote the great philosopher, Jeff Foxworthy:

Getting married for sex is like buying a 747 for the free peanuts.

No one even boards a plane for the free peanuts. You board a plane because you have a mission, a mission far bigger than enjoying free snack food. You’re trying to get somewhere. And you have things to accomplish once you arrive.

You should view marriage in the same way. You should marry because you have a mission, a mission far bigger than enjoying guilt-free sex. You should be trying to get somewhere. And that somewhere isn’t just the bedroom, or a hot tub. Nor an elevator. Nor a hot tub on an elevator.

Instead of merely jumping in a hot tub of sex, you should be longing to dive into the deep end of relationships; ready to go further into a single relationship than you ever have before; then you ever will with anyone else. You should be ready to bare your soul as much as if not more than your body. You should be getting ready to discover not what it means to be naked and aroused, but what it means to be naked and unashamed.

Far beyond the sexual pleasure, you should be ready to seek out the very best for your spouse, in every way. But you’re not going to do a very good job of that, if you’re really only getting married so you can get your fill of all the sex you’ve fantasized about since you were nine (months old).

So if none of that interests you, please don’t get married. Seriously, scratch it off your list, because you won’t like it. Because marriage isn’t about sex. Sex is about marriage and marriage is about relationship.

Am I saying, then, that if all you want is sex, just enjoy sex?

No. Because in the long run you won’t.

Oh, I know you can enjoy yourself, jumping from sexual experience to sexual experience, from one partner to another partner; to several others at once. You can even enjoy sexual experiences all by yourself. But remember what we learned from SEX LIE #3: we were not made for experiences, sexual or otherwise.

We were made for relationships. And contrary to what you may have deduced from the media, great sex doesn’t mystically build great relationships.

It’s the other way around. Which is probably why research shows that happily married folks report the greatest sexual satisfaction. Not because they finally figured out how to “do it like they do on TV.” Not because they held onto their virginity until marriage and therefore earned the right to mind-altering sex.

Simply put: mutually satisfying sexual intimacy is the natural result of relational and emotional intimacy, intentionally fostered over time. Whereas using people (yea verily even marrying them) to get the sexual favors you want, naturally destroys your relationships as it erodes your character from the inside out. That’s why marriage is such a good idea. It’s almost like God knew what He was doing.

Don’t believe the lie that marriage = GREAT SEX! Instead, determine to live a life of service and sacrifice and you’ll find a joy deeper than any sex could produce; and far longer lasting.

Then Jesus told his disciples, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul? Or what shall a man give in return for his soul?Matthew 16:24-26 (ESV)

And then if you get married, with service and sacrifice as the goal, any sexual enjoyment you get out of marriage will be like icing on the cake. Or like peanuts on the plane.